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When I chose to get into a relationship with a divorced man with children, I had no idea what being a mother—let alone a stepmother—was all about. Not having any children of my own yet, I was excited to learn how to become a mom for the first time by jumping headfirst into parenting when my stepchildren were 4 and 7 years old. My husband has 50/50 custody, so the children are with us as much as they are at their mother’s. It wasn’t always easy, and both my husband and my wonderful stepchildren helped teach me how to be a mom. But it was only through the close partnership that my husband and I had and continue to have that allowed our blended family to work. My husband always treats me as his “parent partner” first; what this means is that we are on the same page about parenting, and he places me in a position to be respected equally by his children.
Sadly over the years, we have had to deal with my husband’s ex-wife who is constantly attempting to sabotage my relationship with my stepkids; she has told them NEVER to call me “mom” as I am not their mom and “could never love them” like she does. When the kids were younger and innocently honest, they would come home telling us negative comments made by their mom about me and their father. It’s been a constant battle with an insecure and immature woman who just can’t see the big picture—that she has an ex-husband who is a great father and WANTS to be a big part of his children’s lives; and that her children are loved and cared for by a stable stepmother.
As they have grown up to now be 13 and 16, I have always told them that even though I am not their mom and I am not here to replace their mom, I will always love them as a mother and I will raise them like I would my own children. I remind them that I love them enough to take on the responsibility of parenting them with their dad, and to make sure they grow up to be good, decent, responsible people in life. And I always remind them that I didn’t HAVE to love them….I CHOSE to love them because they and their father are the greatest gifts in my life.
